Transitions

Growing up moving, what felt like constantly, and then being in the military for almost 12 years, I am quite used to transitions, change, moving, not knowing what is over the horizon. But the transition I am currently in is feeling like it is rocking my world. 6 days ago I medically retired from the Air Force. And this week I have been transitioning.

That means so many things as far as logistics, things like transferring medical benefits, getting different ID cards, working out retirement/VA pay, changing life insurance, dental insurance, and what has felt like an endless to-do list so that life can continue relatively normally. Those things are just outward "steps." Things you stand in line to accomplish and then they are done. They are transitioned. The part of transitioning that is rocking my world has little to do with Tricare beneficiary statuses or remembering to get signed up for Veterans Group Life Insurance.

It's leaving the working world behind that is starting to become difficult. Becoming a stay at home mom, a full time mom. Coming to terms with all that education, all those struggles to get to where I was as a pilot, a military officer, a highly employable, well-payed, well-trained worker bee, all of it going to what feels like waste. As I sit at home and clean up accidents from my potty-training toddler and spend afternoons trying to be as still as possible so this new human growing inside of me doesn't make me puke up my lunch, again.

It's also the transition to loneliness. We have also just moved to a new place, and gone are the easy work friendships that always develop. Gone are the adult conversations that I took for granted as a working mom. At the moment, my toddler is only just starting her vocabulary, so there aren't even toddler conversations that I can understand. My husband goes off to work and hangs out all day with his new coworkers and in his free time he talks about the new things he is learning and has these important meetings he puts aside time to do so he can study with his coworkers. My job requires no such study sessions. No such free time is coming my way. I am lucky if I get a shower when I need it. Oh, and a haircut, that hasn't happened in over a year. So, the resentment when my husband has these loads of reasons to not be around and to be doing his thing, is starting to creep in - already.

Maybe I am not cut out to be a full time mom. Or maybe I just need some more time to adjust to all of it.