Turning 30

I am turning 30 this month. That seems like a pretty big milestone, you know, for a 29 year old. It feels like this age separates the adults from the kids, but for real this time. Like you can still get away with being childishly irresponsible in your 20s, it is almost expected. But in your 30s, it just becomes sad. I have wrinkles. No really, real wrinkles. Ok, they aren't super noticeable, but they are there. And it doesn't make me sad. I earned these suckers. And not just because I should have used more moisturizer. I have worry lines and laughter lines. They have started to faintly trace their way across my forehead and along the sides of my mouth. I have scars that haven't faded away. Some from hard work and some from poor decisions. And one very large one from bringing a very special person into my life. I am turning 30, and it appears that I have proof that I have lived.

Living for Today

When I was younger, living for the moment meant something different than it does today. It usually meant making a poor decision, like having another glass of wine that I didn't need, spending more money than necessary, or eating more chocolate. Or something spontaneous, like sailing 700 miles across the Atlantic on a whim. Today it means something quite different. It means spending more time thinking about today than pondering on the future. It means letting the joy of watching my baby slowly fall asleep override the unnecessary sense of urgency for her to fall asleep now. And for this incessant planner, it means taking time to enjoy the daily moments instead of obsessively planning and dreaming about future ones.

Too Much Time in Between

So, I have this thing. They call it Crohn's Disease. It's pretty easy to look up on Google what that means, but the essence is that it is a nasty currently incurable gastrointestinal, autoimmune disease. In real life terms, that equates to my insides revolting against me. There's a whole long list of symptoms that makes life sucky - endless bathroom trips, exhaustion, stomach pain, joint pain... It gets tiring explaining it, but I suppose at the moment it is my life. Right now I am on steroids and mesalamine. They haven't worked to get me back to 100%, but it worked ok enough to try to wean off the steroid. That went horribly, and now I am prepping for my 4th colonoscopy to see how Crohn's has progressed. Today is the day before the procedure. Which means not eating (agh, I am so hungry!!) and drinking nastiness all day, but mostly this evening. This is my current view. That Gatorade is filled with nasty-grossness. Don't be fooled into thinking I am just really well hydrated. I am half way done with the nasty drink.

Tomorrow, is the big day and will hopefully tell my current GI doc what he should do about my meds to help me get better.